26 Confessions

So a few years ago on facebook I did this exercise where I confessed 25 things about myself. As I was going through and purging things today I came across this note and laughed. Upon reading it I stopped to think about how much I have changed in the past 2 years but also about how I held so much back the first time around. It's funny because sometimes these moments feel like just yesterday and other times they feel like a million years ago. Nonetheless I thought the exercise was still quite valuable. So today I celebrate my 26 years of life and the many more to come by confessing 26 things about myself ... no holding back.

1. God and my faith are a big part of my life even though I tend to remain pretty private on my beliefs, I am willing to talk about them if people just ask.
2. I love my family for so many reasons but most of all because they have been the rock and strength in my life through so many situations. They have also caused a ton of the chaos in my life. I wouldn't have it any other way.
3. I have an obsession with music most of my friends have never heard of. As such some people deem me a hipster... I think I just like good music.
4. I feel socially awkward 99% of the time.
5. Crossfit saved me from destroying myself. However, I break myself down on a daily basis to become stronger through crossfit. It seems so counter intuitive but i never felt more amazing than the days after a workout where I completely wrecked myself.
6. The one time I truly let myself go and let myself love another unconditionally I had my heartbroken into more pieces than I can count. In response I have learned to love more. Rebuilding the wall I used to hide myself from the world has never been an option.
7. As much as I try to eat healthy I still have a not so secret obsession with chocolate.
8. I love the smell of rain
9. I think that wearing lululemon on a daily basis is not only socially acceptable... but it's just good for the soul.
10. I like to sing Brittany Spears songs as loud as possible when I'm in the shower or driving alone in my car.
11. Without my family and friends I can honestly say I would have given up a long time ago.
12. My Step dad Dana is my hero, he has inspired me to be better, at life, loving others, and my faith in god. I know I couldn't have made it this far without help from him and my mom.
13. As different as we are I can honestly say that my sister is my best friend and the person I want to tell the most to, There are days where I wish she had a bigger presence in my life.
14. I have a desire to change the world... getting there has been a different story, but as long as I am able I will continue to strive and fight for others.
15. I fully believe that every interaction and person who comes into my life is there for a reason. No matter how long or short the interactions are there is always something to be learned.
16. Lifting heavy things gives me a not so secret joy that is hard to explain.
17. There is a difference between being the person you think others want you to be and being the person you were always meant to be.
18. I love the little idiosyncrasies of life. As stupid as things seem sometimes it is those little things that have brought me the most joy out of life.
19. My favorite city in the world is Boston even though its a huge city and it is easy to get lost there... something about it grounds me and makes me feel at ease with being lost... if only for a moment.
20. I would rather live in the snow than by the beach. I love watching the weather change and having real seasons.
21. I never thought I wanted kids until there was a distinct possibility that I may never have a choice in the matter. Now I want lots of kids.
22. As active and crazy as some of my friends might think I am, Thursday nights vegging out in front of the TV watching Grey's Anatomy brings a smile to my face each and every time.
23. Football is the greatest sport to watch ever, I loved going to a Pac 10 school even more because I was able to go to college games every Saturday. Win or Lose we always had fun.
24. I am trying to be a more active participant when I workout and not let myself get lost in the task at hand. The mental game of crossfit has been the hardest to learn and maintain.
25. I am terrible at spelling and grammar, I also tend to over analyse and rethink/ rehash everything I think or read. As such my mind has very little time to just stop and be.
26. I am thankful for everyday of this journey. I wouldn't want to trade my life or experiences with anyone else... even when life is tough.

So what's the obsession with nutrition?

I had a really great dialogue with Holly over at the couch potato athlete this morning about Jenny Craig and what I like to term "box" diet programs. It was this discussion which made me think back to a year ago before I started eating because at one point Holly asked me "how did you learn to eat well?" I really had to think about it for a moment, because as crossfitters we are given a prescription for wellness: Eat Meat, Vegetables, Nuts and Seeds, Some Fruit, Little Starch, No Sugar.

Even with this prescription implementation is the hardest part to learn. There is an evolution between quality and quantity which has to be learned but if it were not for word of mouth and blogs like the whole9, and Robb Wolf's musings which helped me learn about things like coconut oil, and why certain fats are better than others. I received guidance from trainers and was able to ask questions.. This allowed me to change the way I thought about food, yet it was not an overnight change... it took work.

I started where most people looking for answers trying to make sense of what I should eat. So I south beached and Atkins and low fat, and whatever else I could think of to get to what I thought my goals were... to be a skinny girl. I would get results then plateau or fall off the wagon thinking I was "done.  The thing is that none of those "diet's" worked for me because in order to change outside I needed to change my mentality on the inside.  During this entire time it never once occurred to me to evaluate my food quality not quantity. I mean you wouldn't want to put a lower quality of gas in your gas tank so why would you fuel your body that way?  The funny thing is once I started paleo and started talking to people about it and getting guidance as to how food fit in my life the changes I had desperately wanted to see just kinda happened on their own.

Even knowing this prescription and that it works I have struggled. It's hard when my friends don't exactly support my decisions. I have felt alone many times because of the way I eat, and have been harassed at restaurants for ordering "off the menu". I have struggled with falling off the wagon and getting back on, with "cheating" and feeling like crap the next day. I always come back to this lifestyle though because I feel amazing when I eat right its like everything falls into place and I can do anything! So while it may seem "not normal" or a hassle or hard... The benefits have outweighed the costs in my experience.

While it may seem extreme and crazy to completely cut foods out of my diet I have realized in hindsight I was replacing good protein and fats with more carbs from bread and I wasn't treating my body well. I commend anyone who wants to make a change in their life whether it be through a "box" diet or otherwise... but evaluate all the options before starting a program that could lead to failure. Look at the quality, is there a simpler way to eat well? I would argue that simply by eating clean there is the potential to change your body and mind... the need for quick fix diets which still rely on processed prepackaged foods may set you up for failure... even if the portion is small it is still a small portion of something potentially harmful to your body.

Nutrition is the very foundation of the way I live my life, do i "slip", yes I love wine and chocolate! However, I don't beat myself up anymore about it. I enjoy the experience and move on. I am by no means an expert or perfect but eating this way has saved my life... it has made me evaluate what i eat and why i eat it, and that's why nutrition is important to me it has become my lifestyle rather than just another failed "fad" diet.

the difference between doing whats right and doing whats right for you.

There was once a time in my life not very far removed from the present moment where I felt that if I ever did anything then I would have to do everything with my life. It was an endless battle between the choices I wanted to make and the expectations that had been set up by for me by my family, friends, boyfriends, society... and most of all myself. For the longest time I just let all the pressures of life build up inside of me as I tried to live up to who I thought I should be... most of all I wanted to be everything to everyone and for a long time I felt as though I was doing a pretty good job of keeping that up. Yet People were able to see right through the act and straight to the core of who I am. The act after awhile left me questioning and doubting everything I had ever come to trust about myself.

Who is this person? This person is NOT PERFECT.  I know its a shock... and I can give you a moment to take it in... but unfortunately I can no more be everything to everyone than I can walk on water.

So what does this all mean? Well I means that some times its ok to just stop trying so damn hard. In my quest for perfection I never seemed to quite measure up.. everything I thought I wanted for myself always seemed to be just out of reach. I always let the seeds of self doubt and inadequacy get to me. I let them talk me into slowing down before I had even started the race. I set myself up for failure even though I though what I was doing was right. For an example there were times in my life with my ex where I felt like I didn't measure up to his standards. I wasn't pretty enough, or good enough, or smart enough... or enough of what he wanted.  So I did things to change that, I did things to change myself to become the girl I thought he wanted me to be.  It was partially the original motivation for why I started crossfit. So I could be good enough for him... I know stupid right.

While I received some benefits of becoming who I thought he wanted me to be, the game had changed... I changed in the process more than anyone could have imagined. What started out as being something I was doing to be good enough and change myself for someone else, for the world... became the catalyst and confidence builder I needed to remove myself from an unhealthy relationship with myself and those around me. It gave me the courage to realize no matter how many times you may think you are right for continuing to try to measure up to the expectations the world places on you, that ultimately it's a zero sum game there is no winner.

So I just stopped trying. It came down to a day many months later when a friend asked me "Sherris you do so much for everyone else, and you change yourself for everyone else... but what have you done for yourself lately?" In that moment It kind of dawned on me that all these things I thought I was doing for me to make me "better" were actually harming me in nondescript ways. That in trying to please everyone by doing what was "right" and acceptable I was harming myself.  Ultimately my relationship (the love i so despratly wanted to give) would lead to a lost, scared, needy little girl. One who felt the need to dis-empower herself to become what she thought was expected and wanted of her, one who would sacrifice herself and her morals...her very essence... for someone living in fear.

Through the course of my whole relationship, I lied to myself, and those around me because I thought it was "right". I thought I was expected to suffer in scilence and protect my significant other because I wanted others to see the "man" I fell in love with... and not judge him for his indiscressions which broke my heart on a daily basis. I did all of this out of fear... fear of loss...fear of judgement...fear that I really wasnt good enough, that everything I thought about myself was true. For the first time I had lied to myself so much that I actually believed for a second that I had it all that I could fix problem and live happily ever after. 

Sometimes "dreams" have to shatter into reality for you to realize that you were meant for so much more than a life of expectations, secrets, and lies. That its not enough to be what you think everyone else want's, because at the end of the day it's just you... alone. working through the images and feelings of what happened.


It was only after the fog was lifted and those who really wanted the core person below the facade remained that I realized something important...  what everyone else wants from me doesn't matter. The only Thing that does matter is what I want for myself.  Anyone who doesn't reinforce the strong, confident, amazing woman I've always been can just move out of the way.

At the end of the day I have to live with either the wreck or the masterpiece I create, the only difference is I am not doing it to please the world anymore.

A year and a million lessons learned...

I feel like I have been drafting this blog post in my head for an eternity. I guess it has been hard to put everything into words and I have been procrastinating a bit. Anyways, I am sorry for being such a terrible blogger... I will work to fix this, but no promises.

The real reason I am posting is because this month I celebrated a year living the crossfit lifestyle. While this may not seem like a big deal to most, I am celebrating because a year doing anything consistently is a LONG TIME.  My foray into crossfit has lasted a lot longer than most Hollywood relationships and honestly I am a better person because of it. I have never felt stronger... mentally as well as physically. More importantly I have never been more affected in a positive way by the people who surround me. Each person in this community that I have encountered (with very few exceptions) not only wants themselves to do well and crush challenges they never thought possible, but they also want everyone around them to do well and become the best person they can possibly be.

When I started I was amazed by the athletic ability of everyone around me. I was out of shape 60 pounds overweight and had just let myself go to the point of being apathetic and sick. I had not taken care of myself since my days of playing lacrosse. I was searching for a way to be better and no matter how hard I worked at the regular gym I wasn't getting the results I was seeking. That's when by chance I was introduced to Crossfit during a free Saturday class. I was hooked from the instant I tried it. The thing is I wasn't very good at it. I had a terrible squat, basic barbell movements confused me... and my clean was just plain ugly. Beyond the mechanics of it all I was just plain weak... which is a mild understatement. I had a lot going against me those first few months... no one would have blamed me for becoming frustrated and quitting. In fact that's what some people thought I would do. However, I maintained... I dove head first and tried to become the best I could possibly be because I wanted to excel at this... I actually enjoyed it. I started eating right and became a healthier version of myself.

What came with this outside transformation was a new found confidence. The Idea that I could do anything I put my mind to. I dropped 60 pounds in about 4 months. not only did I look good but I felt great too. Through diet and exercise I was able to completely transform my entire way of being. while I was not at the level I wanted to be at (because I am a very competitive person) I continued to thrive and grow in my movements.Workouts became more manageable... my crossfit life was marked by milestones, such as my first unassisted pull up, my first RX workout (which as it happens was fight gone bad), PR's on lifts, PR's on benchmark workouts... crossfit has become much more than a workout program but it is a way of life. I feel blessed each and everyday that I am in the best shape of my life at 26 but also that the world is no longer passing me by.

Ive had the opportunity to work with individuals who are passionate about this training as well, It is their stories and unfailing ability to encourage and put things in perspective that has kept me coming back day after day, week after week, month after month. While I may not be my best on any given day and I may be first or last on a particular workout, it is without a doubt the community of people who push me to be better.. no matter the result. For this I cannot be thankful enough. To be able to witness their triumphs and failures has pushed me to at least attempt my own. It is true what they say if you never try then you will never know.

In July I became crossfit level 1 certified, this was a big moment for me because I not only believe in this method for myself but I understand the potential impact on others... I have truly fallen in love with crossfit.

While it hasn't always been an easy road... in fact it is an uphill battle most of the time... I have persevered this year through, injury, heartbreak, and setbacks. I could not have made it without starting crossfit... without becoming a part of this community... because no matter where I stand on any given day I have been given the strength to test myself and overcome the obstacles. Win or lose, I never fail, a year later I am still learning and growing from this experience... to say that it has been a game changer would be an understatement... good or bad crossfit has saved me from my biggest enemy... myself.

Mountains beyond mountains

Remember when you were younger and it was okay to dream? I do I remember fantasizing what life would be like when I was all grown up. Who I would be, what I would do, and where I was going. it became a game for my friends and I. Inevitably life lead back to the idyllic American dream of the 2.5 kids, house, family, and the seemingly obtainable career... sometimes I was an actress, other times an adventurer.  It seemed so easy to know it all back then, to define a life without limitations.

Now that I reflect upon it i have changed my mind a million times in 26 years. I have come to the conclusion that in the beginning I started my path because it was what I should do, not what I wanted to do in actuality. It lead me to amazing places and discoveries, I went from wanting to be a doctor, to wanting to be a lawyer, to realizing I wanted to help the world. Yet somewhere along the way I lost the sparkle i used to see the world with. I lost the Idea that I could do, be, see anything I wanted. The world became grey and dingy and I learned the sting of disappointment and heartbreak... I lost sight of the mountain peak.

 This is an idea I have thought a lot about the past few months. Dreams and reality why cant they be one in the same? Why do we separate one as unobtainable, and settle for less? Ive come to the conclusion that its because Ive lost my sparkle. The way I saw the world when i was a little kid. Everything was new and obtainable. I was filled with ideas that i could do anything, that i was untouchable. Instead Ive become hardened to "reality", where I am forced to choose between dreams and life, should and want, passion and money. Yet I KNOW that this isn't all there is to life that it wasn't meant to be seen in black and white but rather a full spectrum of bright colors. That the mountains of life only look unscalable from the bottom.

The truth is the unscalable mountain is shorter than one might imagine. That dreams are closer to reality then we can even fathom them being. its all about taking the extra step to get there. Not settling for good enough but... for the best. While life will always be a series of peaks and valleys, happiness and heartbreak, disappointment and courage, conquering and falling, and every emotion and action in between... it is not impossible to climb the mountains of our dreams. For me its all about gaining that innocent sparkle I've lost, to stop controlling myself with all the should's in the world and embodying the will to see and be my dreams.

It is no longer about climbing one unclimbable mountain but mountains beyond mountains... there is no turning back or running away... envision it and it will be. Leave the darkness and take hold of the light within me to achieve the impossible. Dreams are no longer a measure of impossibility but rather a step towards the peak of the next mountain, they are the measure and light towards whats to come and what will be, my dreams are my future and my reality.

sometimes its ok to say enough...

So today in Tucson was the dreaded 5k run day at my crossfit gym and if you follow the main site its up there too. Normally I don't mind running, I'm actually pretty descent at shorter distances. I will fully admit I suck at long distance running yet I was actually kinda excited to tackle this beast in the heat. Well I was completely humbled today by a 5k run something that seems so natural yet so hard for so many people. I was able to finish a mile of the run before I just quit. My body literally told me NO. After the first mile my calves and lower back were seizing up so bad that each step felt excruciating, there was no way I would be able to do it two more times.

It pained me to walk away from a work out, It pained me to write DNF next to my name. Mentally I wanted to keep going, I wanted to move forward... but physically I just couldn't do it and honestly I don't need to hurt myself anymore than I already am at this point. The thing is that sometimes its OK to say when enough is enough, it is OK to tap out.

This is something I really need to work on.  Today was a step forward in terms of listening to what my body was saying physiologically. Then again I more than likely shouldn't have started the workout to begin with. While crossfit is about not giving up, it is about doing your best, it is about putting so much effort forward that you leave it all on the floor at the end. However, there comes a point when you have to say how much more can my body handle? Today for me it was only a mile run which I guess I shouldn't be disappointed in given my recent state. But, at the same time its extremely frustrating to start something you just cant finish. Mentally it is hard as well thinking back to all the times I shouldn't have finished but I did.

I can say that the entire experience is entirely humbling, what it has shown me is that I cant take anything for granted, that on any given day circumstances change. There is a difference between pushing through pain and pushing through weakness and today I listened to the cues i needed to be safe in my workout and my own skin. I am not proud about not finishing a workout in fact it will bother me until I do a 5k again. I am proud of listening to myself and realizing the difference between pushing my body and protecting it.

more to come...

"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength."