the difference between doing whats right and doing whats right for you.

There was once a time in my life not very far removed from the present moment where I felt that if I ever did anything then I would have to do everything with my life. It was an endless battle between the choices I wanted to make and the expectations that had been set up by for me by my family, friends, boyfriends, society... and most of all myself. For the longest time I just let all the pressures of life build up inside of me as I tried to live up to who I thought I should be... most of all I wanted to be everything to everyone and for a long time I felt as though I was doing a pretty good job of keeping that up. Yet People were able to see right through the act and straight to the core of who I am. The act after awhile left me questioning and doubting everything I had ever come to trust about myself.

Who is this person? This person is NOT PERFECT.  I know its a shock... and I can give you a moment to take it in... but unfortunately I can no more be everything to everyone than I can walk on water.

So what does this all mean? Well I means that some times its ok to just stop trying so damn hard. In my quest for perfection I never seemed to quite measure up.. everything I thought I wanted for myself always seemed to be just out of reach. I always let the seeds of self doubt and inadequacy get to me. I let them talk me into slowing down before I had even started the race. I set myself up for failure even though I though what I was doing was right. For an example there were times in my life with my ex where I felt like I didn't measure up to his standards. I wasn't pretty enough, or good enough, or smart enough... or enough of what he wanted.  So I did things to change that, I did things to change myself to become the girl I thought he wanted me to be.  It was partially the original motivation for why I started crossfit. So I could be good enough for him... I know stupid right.

While I received some benefits of becoming who I thought he wanted me to be, the game had changed... I changed in the process more than anyone could have imagined. What started out as being something I was doing to be good enough and change myself for someone else, for the world... became the catalyst and confidence builder I needed to remove myself from an unhealthy relationship with myself and those around me. It gave me the courage to realize no matter how many times you may think you are right for continuing to try to measure up to the expectations the world places on you, that ultimately it's a zero sum game there is no winner.

So I just stopped trying. It came down to a day many months later when a friend asked me "Sherris you do so much for everyone else, and you change yourself for everyone else... but what have you done for yourself lately?" In that moment It kind of dawned on me that all these things I thought I was doing for me to make me "better" were actually harming me in nondescript ways. That in trying to please everyone by doing what was "right" and acceptable I was harming myself.  Ultimately my relationship (the love i so despratly wanted to give) would lead to a lost, scared, needy little girl. One who felt the need to dis-empower herself to become what she thought was expected and wanted of her, one who would sacrifice herself and her morals...her very essence... for someone living in fear.

Through the course of my whole relationship, I lied to myself, and those around me because I thought it was "right". I thought I was expected to suffer in scilence and protect my significant other because I wanted others to see the "man" I fell in love with... and not judge him for his indiscressions which broke my heart on a daily basis. I did all of this out of fear... fear of loss...fear of judgement...fear that I really wasnt good enough, that everything I thought about myself was true. For the first time I had lied to myself so much that I actually believed for a second that I had it all that I could fix problem and live happily ever after. 

Sometimes "dreams" have to shatter into reality for you to realize that you were meant for so much more than a life of expectations, secrets, and lies. That its not enough to be what you think everyone else want's, because at the end of the day it's just you... alone. working through the images and feelings of what happened.


It was only after the fog was lifted and those who really wanted the core person below the facade remained that I realized something important...  what everyone else wants from me doesn't matter. The only Thing that does matter is what I want for myself.  Anyone who doesn't reinforce the strong, confident, amazing woman I've always been can just move out of the way.

At the end of the day I have to live with either the wreck or the masterpiece I create, the only difference is I am not doing it to please the world anymore.